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Schr​ö​dinger's Hairball

by Jeff and Maya Bohnhoff

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Labyrinth, In the Deep Luna Sea, Schrödinger's Hairball, I Remember the Rain (Remixed), Grated Hits, Mobius Street, Aliens Ate My Homework, Manhattan Sleeps, and 2 more. , and , .

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1.
Not in a car with a fox Not with a mouse in a box Screw my brain till it hurts I've told you I won't eat them, still you won't go. Misguided young fool Like a pigheaded mule. With your strangely colored cuisine You're a tool on a one track mission. Ham and green eggs Like burning in my heart. Ham and green eggs You serve them alá carte, alone. Give me... Pad Thai... Crisp bacon... home fries... You're just a pain Sam-I-Am Have you made a new plan to entice me, It's too spicy. Why can't I just have some apple pie? Don't feel good, are you satisfied? Will you serve them sunny-side? (Don't think you should) Is your hearing alright? I won't eat them at night. I don't feel good - Feel good! You think I might eat them at noon, Not in a hot air balloon, Don't give me green eggs and ham, You're just an under-grown fur ball. Don't say open wide. It's like a disease, Your green eggs do not please. Put that platter where your mouth is Mr. Know all, Was the goat in the car part of the deal? (park!) Ham and green eggs Burning in my heart Ham and green eggs You serve them alá carte, alone. (You never could, right from the start). Insane... It's been a wild ride, You're a little rat and now you've finally worn down my pride If I give them a try Will you just let it lie? Aren't they real good? They're real good!
2.
This Hellmouth cuts through my little town Somehow that always just made me feel down I can spend a free night at the Bronze And let down my guard Late at night when the haunts walk school halls There's this girl in the midst of it all It's erupting while everyone sleeps To blight this whole town The question I have for you Why won't somebody get a clue? Shed some light over everything To light up the gloom There are three geeks who cart strange machines Four gentlemen who are stealing my screams Vicious vampires and uncanny fires To block my way home There are outrages we just ignore While the bodies are stacked up like boards We are blind to the manifestations Who bare their sharp teeth The question I have for you Why won't somebody get a clue? Shed some light over everything To light up the gloom, the gloom This Hellmouth cuts through my little town Somehow that always just made me feel down I can spend a free night at the Bronze And let down my guard Let down my guard Let down my guard
3.
The box is bigger It's bigger than you Think on the inside. The lengths that I will go to, To witness your surprise. I know I said, "come in." So it begins. That's me in the Tardis, That's me in the time stream Losing my companion. Trying to keep up with you. And I don't know if I can do it. Oh no! I said "stay here." What part wasn't clear? I thought that I heard you calling, I thought that I heard you scream. I think you thought I'd save the day. Every Dalek and every Cyberman Is using your transgressions. Trying to keep an eye on you. Would it hurt if you once obeyed me? I'm sure I said "stay there." That's not a dare. Consider this, consider this, The hint of the century, Consider this: the slip That set the Master free, Could have been avoided if You'd listened to me When I said "don't move." I thought that I saw you nodding. I thought that I heard you say, "Yes, Doctor, I'll obey this time." But that was just a dream, That was just a dream. That's me in the Tardis, That's me in the time stream Losing my companion. Trying to keep up with you. And I don't know if I can do it. I'm sure I said, "stay here." What part wasn't clear? I thought that I saw you nodding, I thought that I heard you say, "Yes, Doctor, I'll obey this time." But that was just a dream, Why won't you try? That was just a dream, Just a dream, Just a dream, dream.
4.
Young driver, the subject Of schoolgirl fantasy He thinks he’s so manly. He’s cool as cool can be. He’s got his dad’s Beamer; He’s coming down this track. He’s parking, he's so close now . . . You climb out through the back. Don’t park, don't park so
 Don't park so close to me 
Don't park, don't park so 
Don't park so close to me At Costco, it’s pouring The parking lot’s a zoo. That Beamer makes you queasy— It’s parked right next to you. Vexation, frustration New dents just make you cry. Wet shopper, you’re waiting Your car is warm and dry. Don’t park, don't park so 
Don't park so close to me
 Don't park, don't park so 
Don't park so close to me Bad parking, car's crooked To leave you try and try. Strong words, softly muttered, The aggravation's high. It's no use, you're stuck there. It really ticks you off. Sometimes you just want to Toss in a molotov. Don’t park, don't park so 
Don't park so close to me
 Don't park, don't park so 
Don't park so close to me Don’t park, don't park so 
Don't park so close to me
 Don't park, don't park so 
Don't park so close to me
5.
Dairy Queen 02:58
She keeps mocha et pecan in her soft-serve cabinet. "Pack it in cones" she says, Dripping on a serviette. A slight pull on the leg for Atkins and Jenny Craig, And anytime an invitation you can decline. Chocolate sauce and luncheonettes, covered with Raisinettes, Extraordinarily iced. She's a dairy queen, strawberry gellatine, Dynamite with a heavy cream. Guaranteed to freeze your mind. Recommended at the price. Insatiable in appetite, wanna try? To avoid complications She never left a sticky mess. In conversation she raved about her waffle press. Mixed green tea from China with peach from Carolina, Then again incidentally if you're that way inclined (she's a dairy queen). Truffles came naturally from Paris (naturally). Mars Bars - she couldn't care less. Fastidious with packed ice. She's a dairy queen, strawberry gellatine, Dynamite with a heavy cream. Guaranteed to grow your thighs. Wanna try? Drop of a hat she starts chilling, gets playful with her mixing vat. Then momentarily out of sprinkles, Temporarily out of snacks, The sugar-rush will drive you wild - wild. She's out to get you. She's a dairy queen, strawberry gellatine, Dynamite with a heavy cream. Guaranteed to grow your thighs. Recommended at the price. Insatiable in appetite wanna try? Wanna try.
6.
I want my, I want my, I want my MST I want my, I want my, I want my MST Now look at them robots that's the way you do it You watch some movies on the MST That ain't workin' that's the way you do it Movies for nothing, yeah the flicks are free. Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it Now let me tell you them bots ain't dumb. Maybe get an ulcer or a little headache. Maybe get a blister on their bum. We gotta send up some grade D movies. Mind control experiments. Every frame is endless torture. Until their minds are twisted and bent. See the little robot with the beak and the bubble. Yeah buddy those are his own arms. The little robot's gotta watch bad movies 'Til the little robot buys the farm. We gotta send up some grade D movies. Mind control experiments. Every frame is endless torture. Until their minds are twisted and bent. As a scientist I didn't go far. I should have learned to splice some genes Now I'm stuck, spying through the Cambot Sending films to make them scream. Down here with my sidekicks Bobo is no smarter than a chimpanzee. That ain't workin' that's the way you do it Movies for nothing, yeah the flicks are free. We gotta send up some grade D movies. Mind control experiments. Every frame is endless torture. Until their minds are twisted and bent.
7.
Now somewhere in the bright sunlit streets of Prime Nova There roamed a small thief named Rocket Raccoon Who that day was looking for loot with a sentient tree Fought a green girl sent from Kree Rocket didn't like that she said "I'm gonna get that boy" So he and Groot they trashed that town Found a piece of hell in a Nova Corps cell Rocket Raccoon, chucked into a room Only to find four more A-holes. Rocket had come equipped with a gun A mutant with skills at the controls Survival it seemed meant joining that team Led on by an earthling so hard core. His name was Pete Quill who thought he'd been used ill 'Cause nobody knew him as Star-Lord "Ain't no one you see, like me except me" Ronan was in for a showdown Rocket burst in and grinning a grin "Oh yeah, helmet boy, now you'll be blown down But Ronan was hot, he withstood their best shot And they all collapsed in the corner Now old Groot drew them in, saved all their skins And proceeded to blow into kindling Altogether they grabbed the stone And Rocket said, Drax we won't die alone And we'll be better, we'll be better Drax, the stone's power is dwindling And now Rocket Raccoon he fell back in his room Glad they defeated their rival Gamora checked out and she left it no doubt To help with good old Groot's revival
8.
Looking at a Salisbury steak Straight out of the microwave Dark brown gravy, soggy lake Time to eat, I must be brave It was something to observe Then up close, my mother's voice Gagging, stretching every nerve Had to eat it, had no choice I don't read nutrition information I just had to keep up mastication My gut going boom boom boom "Son," she said "Clean your plate, I've made it fresh at home." To eat in silence I resigned But I would dream of Pizza Hut Pepto-Bismol my lifeline Bathroom door would soon be shut Chopped and formed from mystery meat Mom's cuisine was in a rut Often dreamed of things I'd eat A nice selection of cold cuts I would seek the school cafeteria And hope the food would be superior My gut going boom boom boom "Here" they said "Salisbury steak, Just like Mom makes at home." (Back home.) Indigestion spin her net I really hate this sludgy paste I'll hide it in my serviette I won't eat this toxic waste Sneak what snacks that I can get I hold my breath but still can taste No one taught me etiquette I will find another place Today I will eat in a restaurant I'll sample all the bright flavors piquant My heart going boom boom boom "Mom" I said "You can keep the plate, I don't have to eat at home."
9.
GFFA 04:43
Jedi, there's a kink in the Force. I said, Jedi, when you learn your true source. I said, Jedi, 'cause your ship is off course There's no need to be unhappy. Jedi , a Sith's waiting for you. I said, Jedi, if his words are all true. You can face him, and I'm sure you will find A good way to save him in time. It's fun to live in the G-F-F-A It's a galaxy far far away They have everything that you need to enjoy, You can hang out with all the droids ... It's fun to live in the G-F-F-A It's a galaxy far far away You can leave Tatooine, you can set a new course You can learn the ways of the Force... Princess, always quick with a taunt. I said, Princess, your words don't seem to daunt. I said, Princess, you can get what you want. But you've got to know this one thing! No need to be all by yourself. I said, Princess, put your pride on the shelf, And just go there, to the G-F-F-A. I'm sure you can find love today. It's fun to live in the G-F-F-A It's a galaxy far far away They have everything that you need to enjoy, You can hang out with all the droids ... It's fun to live in the G-F-F-A It's a galaxy far far away You can leave Hoth behind, you can learn your true mind, You'll defeat the Empire this time ... Young girl, I was once in your robes. I said, I was down and out on this globe. I felt no man cared if I were alive. I felt the galaxy was so jive ... That's when someone came up to me, And said, young man, gotta leave Mos Eisley It's a place there called the G.F.F.A. They can start you back on your way. It's fun to live in the G-F-F-A It's a galaxy far far away They have everything that you need to enjoy, You can hang out with all the droids... GFFA Fighting evil in the G-F-F-A Young man, young man there's no need to feel down Young man, young man pick yourself off the ground G-F-F-A Then just go to the G-F-F-A Young man, young man I was once in your robes Young man, young man I said, I was down and out on this globe. G-F-F-A
10.
Oo, please let me live. Whatever this plot can do to me, It’s you, the Power That Be Oo, please let me live now, Georgie. Oo, please let me live. Oh, you’re the best friend that I ever had. You’ve written me such a long time. You’re my author. You can deal me a blow, but I’d beg you not to. I really love you. Oh, you’re my best friend. Oo, please let me live. I am Westeros bound and I’ll take flak for you. Some pain is fine. And if I don’t get the girl, I’m happy alone. You’re my best friend. Oo, please let me live. You don’t need to be cruel to me. If you are, I can forgive. Oo, please let me live now, Georgie. Oo, please let me live. You’re at fault, man, when things turn out bad. I know Ned Stark’s not the only Not the only one you put through the wring. But I really love the things that you do. You’re my best friend. Oo, please let me live. I’m happy, happy alive. Be my best friend. Be my best friend. Oo, you let me live! You, you’re my best friend.
11.
It's nine o'clock on the Enterprise The Ten-Forward crowd shuffles in There's an old flame sitting next to me Coming on with his impudent grin He says, "Troi, can you sense this old memory Our relationship seems kind of weird But it's sad and it's sweet when you said 'Imzadi' Now I wear an older man's beard." La la la, di da da La la, di da da da dum Make us feel good, you're the Counselor Make us feel good tonight Well, we're all in the mood for some empathy And you've got us feelin' alright Now Reg at the bar is a friend of mine Though we didn't start out that way He once made me his pet on the holodeck Cause that's the place he'd rather play He says, "Troi I believe this is killing me." As the smile ran away from his face "Well I'm sure that I could be an engineer If I could stay out of that place" Oh La la la, di da da La la, di da da da dum My Mom is a Betazoid extrovert Who wants to be somebody's wife And she's pining for Jean-Luc, who's reading an old book But should probably run for his life And the Klingon is practicing politics As his family name gets attoned Now he's raising a son and he hasn't a clue But it's better than livin' alone Make us feel good, you're the Counselor Make us feel good tonight Well, we're all in the mood for some empathy And you've got us feelin' alright It's a pretty good crowd on the bridge tonight And the android he gives me a smile 'Cause he knows that it's me they'll be comin' to see With problems he won't have to compile And the emotions sound like a carnival Like a monotone buzz in my ear And I sit in this chair shake my long curly hair And think, "Man, what am I doin' here?" Oh La la la, di da da La la, di da da da dum Make us feel good, you're the Counselor Make us feel good tonight Well, we're all in the mood for some empathy And you've got us feelin' alright
12.
Slow down, you eat too fast You gotta make that popcorn last Just chilling' down at the cineplex Lookin' for fun at B-grade movies B-grade movies Hello monster What's that growin'? I've come to watch your red eyes glowin' Ain'tcha got no slime for me? Scooby Doo Doo, B-grade movies B-grade movies Got no plot, no clue No characters too deep The FX were lousy, the tickets were cheap Let the cheesiness wrap all its wonders round me... Roger Corman.... B-grade movies B-grade movies
13.
I live in a big house With the most well kept yard of my block And I sit at home lookin' out the window Wishin' those kids would stop Then in flies a ball It's come flying off some punk's baseball bat And rolls into my yard Yeah it really knocked my begonias flat. I said, "Hey, you, get off of my lawn Hey, you, get off of my lawn Hey, you, get off of my lawn Don't hang around just move along From my lawn baby" My Bermuda shorts are stylin' With my black laced shoes, white socks, it's not a fashion crime. A golf cap on my head, polo shirt Well, I guess I'm lookin' fine. It's three p.m., there's too much noise Won't you damn kids ever let me take a nap? 'Cause you want to play Do you have to make me take all this crap? I said, "Hey, you, get off of my lawn Hey, you, get off of my lawn Hey, you, get off of my lawn Don't hang around just move along From my lawn baby" I was sick and tired, fed up with this And decided to take a drive downtown To get the early bird meal special With all my buddies, not a kid around I drove myself home I was so tired and I started to dream In the mornin' the bicycle tires had furrowed my yard I just had to scream I said, "Hey, you, get off of my lawn Hey, you, get off of my lawn Hey, you, get off of my lawn Don't hang around just move along From my lawn" Hey, you, get off of my lawn Hey, you, get off of my lawn Hey, you, get off of my lawn Don't hang around baby just move along From my lawn"
14.
We'll be fighting in the aisles For the format of our files. And the OS we were using will be gone. While the man who spurred us on Delays our upgrades for so long. He decides and our systems sing the song. Press any key for the MS solution. Click my mouse for the new revolution. Smile and grin at the changes all around. Will I have enough RAM today, To boot up Plug & Play? Better get on my knees and pray - We don't get fooled again. The new OS came today - It promised us a better way. We were liberated from 640k. But my resources are drained. And my disk access is lame. They used the banners from the last market campaign. Press any key for the MS solution. Click my mouse for the new revolution. Smile and grin at the changes all around. Will I have enough RAM today, To boot up Plug & Play? Better get on my knees and pray - We don't get fooled again. I move my cards and my data aside If they happen to be left half alive. I load all my drivers and I pray to the sky, Because I know the monopolized never die. There's nothing on the screen Looks any different to me. All the icons are erased by and by. And the close box on the left, Is now the close box on the right. And the page fault errors still rule the night. Press any key for the MS solution. Click my mouse for the new revolution. Smile and grin at the changes all around. Will I have enough RAM today, To boot up Plug & Play? Better get on my knees and pray - We don't get fooled again. Meet the new DOS. Same as the old DOS....

about

In his famous 1935 thought experiment, Erwin Schrödinger presented a scenario in which a hypothetical cat in a closed box might be simultaneously dead and alive, with its state only revealed when observed from outside. In our endless quest to bring scientific buzzwords into the world of music, we have created an audio experiment known as Schrödinger’s Hairball, in which a collection of songs, through a process of parodic superposition might or might not be parodies of classic rock songs. The album was created under rigorous experimental conditions, exploring a range of pop culture subjects all in the name of science and cheap humor. We will only know for sure whether the songs are “real” or parody when you observe them by listening. We look forward to your reports with the answer to this vexing parody paradox.

credits

released June 18, 2018

Produced, engineered and mixed by Jeff Bohnhoff
Mastered by Justin Weis at Trakworx
Album art and layout by Beckett Gladney

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Jeff and Maya Bohnhoff San Jose, California

Jeff and Maya have an identity crisis. Their music is sometimes uproariously funny parody (like their spot-on "Bohemian Rhapsody" parody "Midichlorian Rhapsody", or hauntingly beautiful, like "Road to Jerusalem" or "Manhattan Sleeps". One way or another, their music will create strong emotions. Jeff and Maya have been creating music together since 1979, and plan to continue for some time to come. ... more

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