Grated Hits

by Jeff and Maya Bohnhoff

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1.
© 2005 Jeff Bohnhoff I love Mrs. Fields I eat between meals I get some snacks into my living. I just need to fight The urge to bite. The free samples they are giving. Don’t say How much you weigh Expanding mid-age waistband. Dolly Madison You’re why I weigh a ton. I have desire To eat a powdered donut. The thought of carbs brings fear. The Happy Meals are near. Let’s super-size it And have a frozen yogurt Mid-age waistband. It’s only mid-age waistband. Mid-age waistband. Ho-hos Mid-age waistband. I can taste it!
2.
© 2010 Jeff Bohnhoff Endless spam will come. Links to hell and gone. This season our meds are cheaper. And we can send a cure for your pain...we can ship from way far. Come on baby... our meds are cheaper. Baby skip the scan... our meds are cheaper. Tell me why would I lie?... our meds are cheaper. Baby it’s no scam... Valentine will come. We’ll enhance your gun. Kanye West and Britney Spears. You can party like celebrities...Kanye West and Britney Spears. 40,000 men and women everyday...Like Kanye West and Britney Spears. 40,000 men and women everyday...You can buy happiness. Another 40,000 coming everyday...You can be like they are. Come on baby... our meds are cheaper. Baby skip the scan... our meds are cheaper. Tell me why would I lie?... our meds are cheaper. Baby it’s no scam... Now it’s two for one. Here but now they're gone. Came the last day of madness. It was clear the sale couldn't go on. Then the browser opened and the ads appeared. His hairline grew and then disappeared. The windows flew and the mail appeared...saying buy some Rogaine. Come on baby...and she felt so queer. And she clicked on it...then she started to buy Bought Viagra and then wondered why...she had joined the bot net. She was taken by spam... she had joined the bot net. Come on baby... our meds are cheaper. 
3.
02:05
© 2002 Jeff Bohnhoff DNA - got to find a way to make it pay But you know there is no easy way Oh I believe in DNA Legally, we own the bits that make up you and me We've patented your family tree Oh DNA, no longer free Why do toenails grow? I don't know, it's hard to say I got the sequence wrong Now it's all junk DNA DNA, it's not an easy game to play Guanine, cytosine are in our sway Oh I believe in DNA Why do toenails grow? I don't know, it's hard to say I got the sequence wrong Now it's all junk DNA DNA, the investors want to make it pay Bio ethics won't get in our way Oh I believe in DNA
4.
© 2006 Jeff Bohnhoff I went on a landing party to a planet with some old friends. A chance to be the target of some phasor fire again. When I got to the landing party, knew that I’d get hurt. No one recognized me; just saw my bright red shirt. So I’m deep fried now, I learned my lesson well. You see the color of your shirt, just may affect your health. Klingons came from miles around, everyone was there. Sulu brought his epee; there was danger in the air. And over by some boulders I saw Captain Kirk. Doin’ wacky shoulder rolls and takin’ off his shirt. So I’m deep fried now, I learned my lesson well. You see the color of your shirt, just may affect your health. Logic blah blah blah, logic blah blah blah Looked through all the old logs, saw then why I came. I had to face the music; it’d always be the same. I’d say hello to Uhura, she’d belong to me If only I weren’t phasor bait, a crimson crash dummy. So I’m deep fried now, I learned my lesson well. You see the color of your shirt, just may affect your health. Logic blah blah blah, logic blah blah blah Someone opened up a Jeffries tube and out stepped Khan and his brood. Bangin’ heads like a ringin’ a bell and eatin’ all the food. If you gotta go on landing parties, I got one thing to say If the Captain sends you planet-side, reserve space in sickbay. So I’m deep fried now, I learned my lesson well. You see the color of your shirt, just may affect your health.
5.
04:21
©2006-2007 Michelle Dockrey and Jeff Bohnhoff So this ain't the end - I saw you again today Chatting in the hallway Smile like the sun - photos of everyone And blogs - her daily logs! You looking oh so harmless and sweet I bet you gonna ambush me You'll have us down, down, down, down on our knees With laughter-- Debbie Ohi Back at the con, we were all on for Toast You set your phasers on 'roast' So right, so wrong, your little song of fame ...and middle names. And if the real facts won't do the trick You're gonna make up something quick Your little lies, lies, lies, lies, lies are gonna stick Oooh, Debbie Ohi Let me tell you what she will do Write down deep dark secrets on you She'll draw you in her cartoons, too Her inky heart will never rest Dark as Swiss chocolate Don't you mess with this girl-- silly, silly squirrels. And if the real facts won't do the trick Nope, she's gonna make up something quick She'll make you laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh until you're sick Ooooh, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie Ohi Ohhhhhh, Ohi
6.
© 2006-2007 Jeff Bohnhoff I’m a big cash sucking pig The market’s rigged I bring it all together. See how they shop for socks in a pack, see how they pay. I’m smiling. Giant box of cornflakes, waiting for the truck to come Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Smiley. Man, you been a greedy boy, you let the lines grow long. I am the big box, we are the big box, I am the Walmart. Cha cha cha-ching. Orange-red vested greeter standing Gray haired little greeters in a row. See how they smile at shoppers in the aisles, see how they run. I’m buying. I’m buy-----ing. I’m buying. I’m buy-----ing. Yellow gallon mustard, sitting on a close out shelf Grab a crock of cheese spread, calorific foodstuff, Boy, you been a naughty girl you marked the stickers down. I am the big box, they are the big box, I am the Walmart. Cha cha chaching. Sitting in the worker break room waiting for your check If the check is small you get your food stamps Working below living wage I am the big box, they are the big box, I am the Walmart. Goo goo ga-joob goo go you’re-screwed Tasteless waste food choking diners Don’t you think Sam Walton laughs at you? (ho ho ho, he he, ha ha ha) See how they try to get unionized, hung out to dry, We’re spying. Running up the bank card, ammo for the rifle powered. Element’ry school girls buying Britney Spears tunes. Man you should have seen them pimping Oprah’s latest pick. I am the big box, we are the big box, I am the Walmart.
7.
Midnight in the graveyard. I caught the Slayer off guard. Itching to rend, tear and maim, Screaming, my skull filled with pain. And I can’t get it out of my head, No I can’t get it out of my head. Now I’m toothlessly lame, and undead. ‘Cause I can’t get it out of my head. Lockdown in a white cell, Can’t move it’s just my hell. Tamed me with a microchip Neutered by its high tech grip. And I can’t get it out of my head, No I can’t get it out of my head. Now I’m toothlessly lame, and undead. ‘Cause I can’t get it out of my head. I once ruled this city. Dracula and Frankenstein and Cthulu and Leatherface, they don’t envy me. Hiding till the sun goes down, In the basement of this Scooby Gang clown. And I can’t get it out of my head, No I can’t get it out of my head. Now I’m toothlessly lame, and undead. ‘Cause I can’t get it out of my head, no, no. No I can’t get it out of my head, No I can’t get it out of my head. Now I’m toothlessly lame, and undead. ‘Cause I can’t get it out of my head.
8.
03:33
©2004 Jeff Bohnhoff Some say songs, they are a river That flows to soothing meads. Some say songs, they are but razors, That leave your ears to bleed. And amidst the bardic circle, An endless aching need, I see those who find the power, Of songs in minor keys. It’s the voice that’s always breaking That never learns to scan. It’s the song of grim war-making The ever-crying man. It’s the one who won’t be cheerful Who cannot find the tune. And the fan, afraid of smiling Who sings of wreck and ruin. When the filk has gone ‘til morning And the verse goes on too long, And you think that joy is only For the mundane, or just wrong. Just remember in the circle When they’ve sung their songs of woe, There’s no need to spill your life’s blood. After all, it’s just the ose.
9.
©2008 Jeff Bohnhoff All the old ladies in the line; They don’t really feel all that fine. If they move too quick (oh whey oh); They're falling down like a domino. All the bazaar men with cheap drugs; They make the money on the net. Ship it for miles (oh whey oh). They snap their teeth at the government. Retirees with the fixed incomes say Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh Please fill my prescription. The Blonde nurses aides take their trays; They spin around and they cross the floor. They've got the pills (oh whey oh). You take your meds then they bring you more. All the Senators who passed the law; They choose the plan on the Medicare. When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh) They want to fill their prescription. All the gramps in the marketplace say, Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh, Just fill my prescription. Slide your feet up the stairs strain your back Shift your neck then you feel it crack Life's hard you know (oh whey oh) So take a dose for your cataracts. If you want to find all the docs, They're hanging out in the golf pro shop. They sing and dance (oh whey oh). They spin their clubs cruise down the block. All the English and Canadian, They’re socialized like the Kremlin. And the old folks know (oh whey oh); They wait in line for prescriptions. All the docs in the waiting room say Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh. Just fill my prescription. Just fill my prescription.
10.
04:26
© 2003 Jeff Bohnhoff A little red robot - In deep deep space. They say Tom Servo’s Got no face. Though he has a clear glass head Don’t put him down as under-read. Does he deserve this daily offense? Cinematic malfeasance. The movies... What you say about his family tree - It’s bubble gum, a keg of toy monkeys. Catch the misting Catch the wit Back in history Catch the skits His arms are, his arms are – More useless than T-Rex’ Hanging loosely at his side. The way Tom Servo Keeps away the blues - Mike Nelson and Crow Help to get him through. Though his mind is surely bent From watching films you’d never rent. With each pop culture reference The derangement is permanent Derangement ... What you say about his family tree - It’s bubble gum, a keg of toy monkeys. Catch the misting Catch the wit Sent back in history Catch the skits His arms are, his arms are – More useless than T-Rex’ But his beak is open wide. Enter the theater - today’s Tom Servo Got a quick retort for every scene. He gets right on with the affliction on the screen
11.
04:39
©2003 Jeff Bohnhoff Hey Blue, I’m up here in the stands Making gestures with my hands Can you see me? Hey Blue, I’m standing in the aisle Spilling beer and spouting bile Can you see me? Hey Blue, How come you never are right? I just came here to pick a fight. Hey Blue, My home life is a mess And my job is pure distress Do you hear me? Hey Blue, From late spring to early fall I’ll question every called out Can you hear me? Hey Blue, Would you give me my moment of fame? Wrong or right, it’s all the same. This is my only fantasy Just one of the guys, as you can see. No matter how I try, can’t get on TV. So I’ll just disrupt this game. Hey Blue, Out there on the road, I’ve got venom to unload, Can you feel me? Hey Blue, Out there behind the plate, Can you sense my burning hate? Can you feel me? Hey Blue, Don’t tell me you just blew that call. You signaled a strike; it was clearly a ball...
12.
© 2003 Jeff Bohnhoff Bright light sabers gonna take their toll Gonna take their toll on me. Got a whole lot of cargo sitting in the hold So get those moorings free. There’s a thousand plastic troopers waitin’ out there Got a Wookie with less sense than hair. And I’m just a scoundrel with flair to spare. Viva Mos Eisley, Viva Mos Eisley. How I wish that I could score And wipe my debt with Jabba clean away. Can’t turn my back on the Cantina door Can’t even sleep a minute a day. Got an old man, a young punk and a whining droid. Got cruisers on the scanner to avoid. All I need’s a good ship and an asteroid. Viva Mos Eisley, Viva Mos Eisley. Viva Mos Eisley with your Jawas trashin’ And your Tusken Raiders smashin’ All the Hutt’s own domain. Viva Mos Eisley turnin’ saints into pond slime, Turnin’ dreams into small crimes. If you fall in with the Hutt You’ll never get away again. I’m gonna keep on the run Until the mission’s done Don’t know what I got into this time. And if I wind up dead well Seems I’m a big hero despite my own design. I’m gonna foil the Empire’s evil plot. Leia seems to hate me but I think she’s hot. Let me hit Ti-fighters with every shot. Viva Mos Eisley, Viva Mos Eisley, Viva, Viva Mos Eisley.
13.
© 1998 Jeff and Maya Bohnhoff Don’t close your eyes Even for a moment ‘til the Captain’s gone. I have found It’s hard for me to work with his hand on my knee. Lust on the bridge, All I see is lust on the bridge. James T. Kirk - A raging pack of hormones in a golden shirt. What does Star Fleet do? Puts all us female yeomen in these mini skirts. Lust on the bridge. All I see is lust on the bridge. Mr. Spock, Only quirks an eyebrow at the goings on. It seems to me It’s sexual harassment they refuse to see. Lust on the bridge. All I see is lust on the bridge.
14.
04:11
© 2002 Jeff Bohnhoff Broken down star drive, Feelin' lucky to be alive. Thought that I'd give old Lando a call. But Vader was waiting, With Carbonite plating - So now I'm right here decorating the wall. Wastin' away right here on Tatooine again. Permanent guest in Jabba's stone vault. Some people claim that there's a Wookie to blame. All I know, is it wasn't my fault. The Rancor is drooling - I don't think he's fooling - He makes a quick snack of the Gamorrean guard. As the young Jedi master Steps into disaster, He may have the force but he just went down hard. Wastin' away right here on Tatooine again. Permanent guest in Jabba's stone vault. Some people claim that there's a Jedi to blame. Yes I know, it was Skywalker's fault. Took a trip on a sand barge - To the Sarlacc with mouth large - While Jabba's band played a merry old song. But on the last refrain - Jabba choked on a slave chain - Never piss off a girl in a thong. Wastin' away right here on Tatooine again. Once was a guest in Jabba's stone vault. Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, But I know, Leia wasn't at fault. Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, All I know is - IT WASN”T MY FAULT!
15.
© 2008 Maya Bohnhoff My wand has broken and soot is raining.
 Yes, I've misspoken some magic word. 
Hand me that Kleenex or I'll be explaining
 Why Dumbledore's phoenix is now a black bird. Softly your feather floats toward the ceiling. Poof! goes my pinion and plummets to ground. My Leviosa gives flight a new meaning: Professor Flitwick may never come down. Mine is a bad wand; I wish I could lose it.
 Born of a bad tree in a bad wood.
 No, please professor, don't ask me to use it!
 My spells don't ever turn out as they should. My wand is broken and should be retired.
 But I swear I've spoken no magic phrase. 
All that I said was, "Snape should be fired."
 Poof! went the prof and set Hogwarts ablaze.
16.
© 2003 Jeff Bohnhoff Ziggy sat at the bar Getting wired with venti lattés. The Baristas from Mars - He drank it sweet black, But made it too strong. It was a special roast, Revved up his nerves the most. Ziggy sipped all day Got no sleep and bloodshot eyeballs. No decaf for the man, Oh the grounds they were piling. He liked drinkin’ fair trade He wasn’t fussy, man. He’d brew it from a can. Where were the Baristas When the espresso machine went down? Just a menu to guide us. So we bitched about the lines. Should we get low fat this time? Ziggy played for time Jiving us the brew was voodoo. So wired it was crass, He was a spazz. Licked grounds from the glass. He took it all too far Slurpin’ down that thick, black tar. Making tall cappuccinos Ziggy sucked it into his mind. Like a dark roast Messiah. With a badly shaking hand I had to close up the stand. Ziggy sat at the bar.
17.
04:21
© 2006 Jeff Bohnhoff When the slops sit high in the farmer’s pail And the dust of another day drops behind. When my back is free of the buzzing flies It’s a damn good day to my way of mind. There’s a sweet little girl willing to believe. There’s a talking spider hangin’ in the door. There’s a web once hung with the morning dew. There’s a pig’s life saved by a miracle chore. Spin a web for me or I’ll be no more. It’s the last oath that she ever swore. Take my butt; take my ham, Pack me in a can of spam. I don’t care; I’m still free, You can’t take the sty from me. Take me out into a shack Turn me into baby-backs. Fry the lard, split the pea You can’t take the sty from me. You can’t take the sty from me. When you see a pig and he’s slaughterhouse bound, Well you just might take him for a goner hog. But there’s many a rat that’s tried this trough, There’s a web of wonder in the morning fog. From the barnyard stalls to the noisy fairgrounds, Charlotte weaves a web with words outlined. And them that pen with me’s got my back. It’s a fool don’t know that his family’s his kine. Don’t you tell me that I’ll feed your kind. Don’t you say I’ve got to be pork rinds. Take my butt; take my ham, Pack me in a can of spam. I don’t care; I’m still free, You can’t take the sty from me. Take me out into a shack Turn me into baby-backs. Fry the lard, split the pea You can’t take the sty from me. You can’t take the sty from me. When you’ve been the runt and been labeled “some pig”, Well you won’t go talkin’ ‘bout kosher men. You’ll know damn well why I want to keep to my sty. Never cry from feelin’ lonely again. I’ve seen patties raked ‘cross spacious green fields Seen cows tipped over and my best friend die. I’ve been displayed, rated, loaded and trucked. I’ve been ribboned, fattened, slopped and tied. I cried bitter tears when she said goodbye. I’ve still got her daughters and the fireflies. Take my butt; take my ham, Pack me in a can of spam. I don’t care; I’m still free, You can’t take the sty from me. Take me out into a shack Turn me into baby-backs. Fry the lard, split the pea You can’t take the sty from me. You can’t take the sty from me. You can’t take the sty... from me.
18.
©2004 Jeff Bohnhoff I’ve got no real life- I live on Tatooine- Working for Watto He flaps like a buzzing bee. Open my eyes Two suns in the sky I see- I’m just a slave boy, I got no place to be. I build a pod, build a droid Obi-Wan gets annoyed. Where did Qui-Gon Jin go, does the Light side matter to me? To me. Mama, just met a man. Put a needle in my arm Got a look of deep alarm. Mama, he says that I’m the One And now he says that I must go away. Mama, oooh. Didn’t mean to make you cry, If I don’t win the speed pod race tomorrow Carry on, carry on - as if I were not splattered. Too late – I saw her face. And though I’m just a boy I’ll gladly be her toy. Goodbye Amidala, I’ve got to go – Gotta go and fix the Force with Qui-Gon Jin. Jar-Jar, oooh (worse than C3PO). You’re surely Naboo’s pride Though I sometimes wish you’d never been born at all. I see a little tin tea kettle of a droid. Boba Fett, Boba Fett was your father named Jango? Clones and Dooku’s lightning - very very frightening me. Master Yoda, Master Yoda, Master Yoda, Master Yoda. Master Yoda make him go. Send in the clones. I pout like a small boy, why does she love me? He pouts like a small boy, in him what does she see? This sad romance just a monstrosity. Laser gun, 3PO – Kenobi let me grow. Mace Windu! No! We will not let you grow! (Let him grow!) Mace Windu! We will not let you grow! (let him grow!) Mace Windu! We will not let you grow! (let me grow!) Will not let you grow! (Let me grow!). Will not let you grow! No, no, no, no, no, no, no- Mama Schmi-o, Mama Schmi-o, Tusken Raiders let her go! Lord Palpatine has a dark suit put aside for me, for me, for me. So you think you can train me - just one more Jedi? So you think you can burn me and leave me to die? Kenobi, can’t do this to me Obi. Just gotta go Dark, just gotta go Dark side it’s clear. The Light side doesn’t matter, Anyone can see. The Light side doesn’t matter. The Light side doesn’t matter to me. Where did Qui-Gon Jin go...

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Grated Hits is a collection of hilarious spot-on parodies of classic rock songs. From the opening ode to middle-age expansion "Baba McDonalds" to the nerd masterpiece finale "Midichlorian Rhapsody", Jeff and Maya keep the laughs and musicianship coming fast and furious.

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released March 12, 2010

Produced and engineered by Jeff Bohnhoff at Mystic Fig Studios.

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Jeff and Maya Bohnhoff San Jose, California

Jeff and Maya have an identity crisis. Their music is sometimes uproariously funny parody (like their spot-on "Bohemian Rhapsody" parody "Midichlorian Rhapsody", or hauntingly beautiful, like "Road to Jerusalem" or "Manhattan Sleeps". One way or another, their music will create strong emotions. Jeff and Maya have been creating music together since 1979, and plan to continue for some time to come. ... more

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