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Retro Rocket Science

by Jeff and Maya Bohnhoff

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1.
©1997 Jeff Bohnhoff Down a dark hotel hallway Cooled breeze in my hair Warm smell of espresso Rising up through the air Up ahead in the distance I saw a shimmering light My purse grew heavy and my will grew dim I had to shop there tonight There she stood at the table I heard a cloister bell And I was thinking to myself Could be Blake 7 or space opera hell Then she held up a Bat’leth From a Star Trek display There were voices from the booth next door I thought I heard them say “Welcome to the hotel dealer floor” “Such a lovely place, buy a warrior’s mace” “There’s plenty of stuff on the hotel dealer floor” “Any fannish gear, you can buy it here....” Her mind is Bradbury twisted She’s one of Mercedes’ friends She’s got a lot of pretty pretty goths She calls fen How they filk in the ballroom All night bardic sets Some lines they remember Some lines they forget I saw a gold shirted captain At the end of the line He said “We haven’t had that Star Trek here since 1969” And still those Cds are playing from far away Stop you dead in the middle of the aisle Just to hear them say “Welcome to the hotel dealer floor” “Such a lovely place to buy a latex face” They’re givin’ it up on the hotel dealer floor” I let down my guard, brought my credit card. Magic cards on the table Laid out to entice She said “Old tapes of the Prisoner here, can be had for a price”. And in the con ops chamber they gather for their feast Cold nachos and a keg of beer Old Dr Who repeats Last thing I remember, I was running for the door Had to get my credit balance back To the place it was before “Relax” said the gopher But I was not deceived Bring your checkbook to the dealer floor And it can never leave....
2.
©1999 Jeff Bohnhoff Though I’ve tried before to tell her Of my desire to make music in two parts Every time that I come hear her She sings all of Matty Grove Right from the start Every single song she sings is tragic All she wants to do is ose that’s long Even though I’d like to make some magic Now I know her verse goes on and on. Do I have to tell the story Of a thousand bardic filks since we first met? It’s a big enough filk circle But it always me that has to follow songs of death. Every single song she sings is tragic All she wants to do is ose that’s long Even though I’d like to make some magic Now I know her verse goes on and on. I resolve to cheer her up a thousand times a day And ask her if she’ll sing with me some happy songs by Hayes But my fear of black lace grips me And turns my heart to stone And her leather thigh boots trip me Must I always sing alone? Every single song she sings is tragic All she wants to do is ose that’s long Even though I’d like to make some magic Now I know her verse goes on and on. Every little thing she does is tragic tragic tragic Tragic tragic tragic. E-ose, E-ose......
3.
The Actor 05:02
© 1999 Jeff Bohnhoff I am just an actor and my story's often told. I've been written up in fanzines For a pocket full of PR, shameless articles. White lies at best - Still a fan hears what he wants to hear And disregards the rest. When the show was cancelled I was no more than a boy. In the company of strangers. In the quiet of convention green rooms, paying bills. Laying low. Seeking out the fannish quarters where the costumed people go. Looking into faces mothers wouldn't know. And the red shirts die. Lie la lie lie lie la lie. Asking only extra's wages I go looking for a role. But I get no offers. I've been typecast by the whores on Wilshire Blvd. I do declare, there were times when I was so desperate I did commercials there. Five curtain calls - Once I had a real career. Five curtain calls - Now all I do is cut the tape at new shopping malls. So I'm trying to reach my agent, But I always find him gone - He's never home Just another ten-percenter always bleeding me Misleading me from my home. In the dry ice stands an actor and a player by his trade. And he carries the reminders Of every script that laid him low and cut him - Til he cried out, in his anger and his shame By Grabthar's Hammer I am leaving! But the Actor still remains. Will Guy die? Lie la lie lie lie la lie. Will Guy die? Lie la lie lie lie la lie. Well the red shirts die!
4.
©1999 Jeff Bohnhoff Sitting on a bar stool, ambition fading fast. So you grab a bunch of pretzels and try to make them last. Hiding out from Vera, your ever-patient wife. Sometimes a warm stool at the bar is better than a life. Are you hangin' out at Cheers? Wastin' a lot of time. Are you soakin' up the beers? Did you just drink one of mine? You've been telling us you're a genius since you've been coming here. A civil servant savant who loves his mom and beer. Someday you'll find a woman who will treat you like a man. She'll get the arcane knowledge we don't understand. Are you hangin' out at Cheers? Wastin' a lot of time. Are you soakin' up the beers? Did you just drink one of mine? Well we've watched a lot of TV and we've spent a lot of time. That trip we made to Hollywood is etched upon my mind. I recall that night on Jeopardy when you went down in flames. Claven king of trivia - now everybody knows your name. Are you hangin' out at Cheers? Wastin' a lot of time. Are you soakin' up the beers? Did you just drink one of mine?
5.
© 1999 Jeff Bohnhoff Hovering in deep space. With metal friends in this metal place. Someone conked me on the bean - Now I watch these scenes. Horrors of the silver screen. Tom is Tom. You can crow about Crow. You can ape the ape. Bobo's too dumb to know. There's one thing you can be sure of, On the Satellite of Love - Forrester's getting jerky with the turkeys. Oh turkey, turkey, turkey - Don't you know we're going to mock the turkey? Reels keep turning - Stomach's churning - Don't like it feel my lunch returning. Mock! Watch the turkey get burnt. Werewolves in the streets. Mummies, wrapped in sheets. That woman Pearl can be a swine, Trying to bend our minds. Rescue me Gypsy please. Oh turkey, turkey, turkey - Don't you know we're going to mock the turkey? Got a robot date. Gonna watch the hands of fate. Oh my God, Ed Wood is waking! Oh turkey, turkey, turkey - Don't you know we're going to mock the turkey?
6.
© 1998 Jeff Bohnhoff You get a shiver in the hall You've left the costume ball, but in the meantime - South of the ballroom you stop and you hold everything. A band is playing filkish in straight four time. You feel all right when you hear that sound. You step inside but you don't see too many faces, Comin’ in out of the hall to hear the filk go down. Competition from other spaces, But the harps really make that sound. Late at night, late at night in the circle. You check out Dr. Jane, she does dino songs. Mind you she's strictly science, she doesn't do the media thing. And one lone guitar is all she brings along When she gets up on stage to play and sing. The Duras Sisters really liven up the filk. Playing Start Trek songs and Babylon 5. They can sing three part smooth as silk. Raving it up on Friday night. With the Pharaohs, with the Pharaohs of Filk. There's a crowd of young Goths foolin' around in the corner. Drunk and dressed in their best black raggies and fishnet hose. They don't give a damn about any filk-playing band. It don't suit their cyber-pose. And the Pharaohs, the Pharaohs played ose (and more ose). And the hotel man steps right into the ballroom. "At last!" he says "it's 4 AM." "Thanks! Goodnight, now it's time to go home." But we make it fast with one more filk. We are the Pharaohs, the Pharaohs of filk!
7.
Every Breath 04:02
© 1998 Maya and Jeff Bohnhoff Every breath you take - Every deal you make - Every law you break - Every bribe you take - I’ll be watching you. Every drink you mix - Every game you fix - Every scheme you pick From your bag of tricks - I’ll be watching you. Oh can’t you see I’m that fichus tree. Am I in my pail? Or that glass of ale? Every load of freight - Each suspicious crate - You may think I’m late But you’ll be tempting fate - ‘cause I’m watching you. Selling dreams in your run-down Holo Suites While Dabo girls rest their tired aching feet. As sure a Morn is sitting in his seat, I’ll be watching the next time that you cheat. You’ll be crying “Odo! Odo! please!”
8.
© 1995 Jeff and Maya Bohnhoff The knight’s in white satin, Lace teddy and pearls. He was guarding the Princess, Became one of the girls. Silk things she’s always hid, From his eyes before. They now know the truth is, They both wear size four. If the King knew! Gazing through peepholes, At gowns of all brands. Just what he’s going through, They won’t understand. The maidens are wearing Outfits they cannot defend. Ensembles he’d like to wear Will be his own end. If the King knew! The knight’s in white satin, Lace teddy and pearls - When the King comes to bid goodnight To his sweet baby girl. The poor knight’s imagining His neck in a noose. But the King’s wearing nylons And black spike heeled shoes. If the Queen knew!
9.
Eldorado 03:43
©1999 Jeff Bohnhoff Eldorado, with your seats like hard benches You’ve been emitting black stenches For so long now. And it’s a hard ride, on your tires for all seasons. An old Caddy squeezin’ out a few extra miles. Don’t you try to burn unleaded boy It’ll overheat you if it’s able You know that premium is always your best bet Now it seems I’ve heard some loud pings Coming from your big block V8 As you’re passed on by some little red Chevette. Eldorado, you ain’t getting’ no younger Your paint and your muffler Are rusting away. And a clear coat, oh a clear coat Well that’s just some people talkin’ Your hell is shocks that bounce you home all the way. Do your feet get cold when it’s smog check time? Your spark won’t glow and your pistons whine And your vinyl just keeps cracking day by day. Your transmission’s lost its highs and lows Ain’t it funny how the fluid flows away? Eldorado, with your time worn suspension And Corinthian leather Oh what a fate. It may be raining But there’s a ragtop above you You’d better let some tow truck shove you Let some tow truck shove you You’d better let some tow truck shove you Before it’s too late.
10.
© 1998 Jeff Bohnhoff And the men who write the screenplays Must give some careful thought. When adapting from the novel - Stay closer to the plot. The director and matte artist Make it something that it’s not. Please don’t make another Dune Stay closer to the plot. The extras and the big stars Must say to Ridley Scott - Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Is closer to the plot. You can be producer But I will call the shots. So what ends up at the cineplex Is closer to the plot.
11.
© 1998 Jeff Bohnhoff We don't need no paid vacation. We don't need no HMO. No time off for lunch or coffee. Hey! HR! Leave them temps alone! All in all it beats another job at the mall. All in all it beats another job at the mall. We don't need no corner office. We can stand these cubicles. With no space for our family portraits. Hey! HR! Leave them temps alone! All in all it beats another job at the mall. All in all it beats another job at the mall. All in all it beats another job at the mall. All in all it beats another job at the mall. (spoken) Hey, would you like fries with that?
12.
© 1995 Jeff & Maya Bohnhoff We’ll be fighting in the aisles For the format of our files. And the OS we were using will be gone. While the man who spurred us on Delays our upgrades for so long. He decides and our systems sing the song. Press any key for the MS solution. Click my mouse for the new revolution. Smile and grin at the changes all around. Will I have enough RAM today, To boot up Plug & Play? Better get on my knees and pray - We don’t get fooled again. The new OS came today - It promised us a better way. We were liberated from 640k. But my resources are drained. And my disk access is lame. They used the banners from the last market campaign. Press any key for the MS solution. Click my mouse for the new revolution. Smile and grin at the changes all around. Will I have enough RAM today, To boot up Plug & Play? Better get on my knees and pray - We don’t get fooled again. I move my cards and my data aside If they happen to be left half alive. I load all my drivers and I pray to the sky, Because I know the monopolized never die. There’s nothing on the screen Looks any different to me. All the icons are erased by and by. And the close box on the left, Is now the close box on the right. And the page fault errors still rule the night. Press any key for the MS solution. Click my mouse for the new revolution. Smile and grin at the changes all around. Will I have enough RAM today, To boot up Plug & Play? Better get on my knees and pray - We don’t get fooled again. Meet the new DOS. Same as the old DOS....

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released March 5, 2000

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Jeff and Maya Bohnhoff San Jose, California

Jeff and Maya have an identity crisis. Their music is sometimes uproariously funny parody (like their spot-on "Bohemian Rhapsody" parody "Midichlorian Rhapsody", or hauntingly beautiful, like "Road to Jerusalem" or "Manhattan Sleeps". One way or another, their music will create strong emotions. Jeff and Maya have been creating music together since 1979, and plan to continue for some time to come. ... more

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